Kristen Stewart Dyke Watch

Posted by YoungCreature / at 9:28 AM / /

Every few years, a young, budding celebrity comes along that makes our gaydars tick with excitement. Ellen Page, Zac Efron, Raven Simone, we've got our eyes on you. Lindsay Lohan, we spotted you back in your Parent Trap days. All the post-coming out 'I told you so's are getting a little tired.

This brings us to Kristen Stewart. When you came on the scene, I got a little funny feeling. As you've began to blossom and grow from tween star and full fledged actress, I've had my eye on you. Why was I finding you attractive, I don't like straight girls... I knew there was something funny going on there, but I just couldn't place in. It light of recent events, Kristen Stewart, I have no choice but to put you on Dyke Watch.



Click the cut for Part One of our in depth examination




So first of all, I want to make it clear that I don't believe hanging out with lesbians will turn you into one.



What I am saying, however, is that hanging out with Jodie Foster definitely will. In 2002, at the age of 12, Kristen Stewart played Jodie's young daughter in the film Panic Room. Also of note, Jodie Foster played the lead in Freaky Friday 27 years before Lindsay Lohan starred in the remake. Coincidence? I think not. Jodie Foster obviously controls the underground teenage lesbian Hollywood scene. Abigail Breslin, take note.

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Let's take a better look at Miss Stewart in this film:



That is a gaybie if I ever did see one. I'm sure every budding lesbian has a similar portrait, I know I do. The Syd Vicious shirt really puts it over the edge there. Also, note that the year is 2002. Why is she wearing a t-shirt over a long sleeved shirt? Lesbians do love their layers, you know. Sensible, fashionable, and ready to adapt to any weather that may occur during your hiking trip.

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They say that if your index finger is shorter than your ring finger, you're a dyke. It's hard to tell from the angle, but this picture looks pretty clear - that is one short index finger. Shown here in comparison to her well adjusted, heterosexual co-star Dakota Fanning, Kristen Stewart's fingers tell the truth.



So maybe you don't believe in Science. Well, then just tell me that these aren't the hands of a lesbian :



Is that a bowling shirt she's wearing? Everybody knows that lesbians love bowling. Lesbians love all sports, really, but more than sports, they like sports apparel.



Kristen Stewart looks ready for rugby in her knee socks, doesn't she? Or maybe she's more the roller derby type...

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So what else do lesbians like?



SMOKING WEED
Duh. It's natural, sometimes organic, in Amsterdam you can buy it at coffee shops, and, oh yeah, it gets you stoned. I bet K-Stew is wishing she had a girlfriend to make her cookies and pizza snacks...



Good thing she has one (or supposedly "had" one, these two haven't been seen in public for quite a while) See, the holding hands I could let slide. Girls love that shit. Holding hands while wearing a blazer? Might as well be carrying a pride flag, dear.

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You might say "But wait! Isn't she dating that nice boy from Twilight? The sparkly one?"



Obviously, this is the face of a happy, heterosexual couple. They are totally in love and have lots and lots of sex. With each other.

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Unless you've been living under a rock, or have better things to do than look at celebrity gossip constantly, you know that Kristen Stewart is currently in production for the Runaways biopic, playing Joan Jett.



I mean.. what else can I even say? It's almost too easy to go after her for this bold transformation, so I'll just leave it at that. Kristen Stewart and Joan Jett are bff now. Again, not saying that hanging out with lesbians makes you gay, but I'm pretty sure Joan Jett could turn Sarah Palin out.

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Kristen Stewart. Oh Kristen. Can I call you Kris? We love you! We want you! We could really use a new girl on our team (I'm getting a little bored with Shmindsay Shmohan...) Whenever you're ready, we'll be here with birkenstocks to spare. Until then, girl, I've got my gaydar set to 'baby-dyke'.


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Please note: This is a work of satire. No celebrities or future lesbians were harmed or outed in the writing of this post. Don't sue me, Kris.

Snap Guys! Check out Part II!
New! Now there's a Part III!
Part IV!
Kristen Stewart Dyke Watch Part V